Insecurities

I remember back in 2004; I had been working all year to lose over 50 pounds and prove myself as a personal trainer. My life had taken a trajectory for the better, and everyone witnessed my dedication day in and day at. I thought I had made it, I had earned people’s respect, and I felt on top of the world.
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Until one evening I went out to dinner with some friends. When I introduced myself to this particular person, they asked what I did for a living. With a huge smile on my face, I proudly said that I was a personal trainer. They laughed in my face, my heart sunk. They stated that I didn’t look like a personal trainer and told me that I needed to build muscle.
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Just that one statement took me over the edge, and I mentally went into a dark place. I spiraled out of control. Over time I appeared leaner, and I loved when people commented on how muscular I looked. But I was far from healthy, mentally and physically. My heart hurts for that younger version of myself when I think back to that time. There I was receiving so many compliments, but internally I hated myself.
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Now the 35-year-old version of me has this to say:
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Aesthetics isn’t enough to motivate me. Do you know what drives me? LEADING BY EXAMPLE. I love to treat my body right by giving it quality food and lots of movement.
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I am still a work in progress. Do I occasionally struggle with body image issues? Absolutely! But I don’t binge eat or go crazy about every food item that I consume. I enjoy good food, great wine, and making memories with the people I love. I do these things guilt free.
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But most of all I enjoy living life and being present. I am not scared to put it all out on the table.
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This is me.